True Love

It is Saturday night, November 28th. Feel like writing about my recent thoughts on love...

True Love: I have to admit, at 31 I finally know what true love is. I will admit I threw that word around in the past way to easily. I wanted real love for years, I used to pray every time I would go through the tunnel on the I-10 to find a man, I would pray at night for God to give me a man that would be my best friend, love me forever. I used to date all the time, I was never even really single until I was 27. I tried everything internet, friends, parents hooking me up, and every man I ever dated I had doubts about. There was always something wrong. I used to think it was okay that they didn't show they loved me, or it was okay that we couldn't talk on the phone, or it was okay that I never invited them to hang out with my friends. I once dated a man that for an entire year never paid me one compliment. I used to think this was okay. I would justify men's behavior if they had money, or if they bought me dinner, or more...

Then I kissed Jordan for the first time on my 30th birthday. Jordan being 2o at the time, and Joel's best friend I was pissed at myself. But I felt something when our lips touched. After that kiss our lives went in separate paths. A few months later we reunited, just to hang out as friends. In the past years Jordan would tell Joel he would marry me someday, he would tell me when he would see me that I would someday be with him and have his baby, I would always laugh it off and think, "What a kid." We talked last summer, he would come over to hang out for a few hours then go home. I would always be sad when he would leave, wish inside that he would come back. He never would. I never told anyone that we talked last summer, I was to embarrassed because of his age. I was worried that people would think I was using him, or think I couldn't find anybody my own age.

In August he left to back to school. In my mind I was happy, since I really liked him. After he left we would talk on the phone daily. He would tell me he missed me, he never missed a day texting me saying good morning, or goodnight. After a month or so of this I was seeing someone else and sent him a text saying we didn't need to talk everyday. He was devastated and we stopped talking. I was okay with this as I was dating a firefighter that really could care less about me, but he was good company. In December Jordan came back home for the holiday. One night I was sound asleep at 4am and Jordan walked in my bedroom. He had his Afro then and scared the life out of me. I woke up to him standing over me. I ended up getting up, after my heart rate slowed and chatted with him. He said he just had to see me, and left after 10 minutes. Joel was outside livid. He was so upset that Jordan found a key under my mat (meant to be)! On December 12th, our now anniversary Joel had a graduation party. I remember Jordan walking into the party and my heart stopped. He looked so GOOD. His hair was cut, he had a new outfit on, and I was in AWE. His mom spent a good 10 minutes telling me that night how much Jordan loved me, I was tickled. Later that night, we ended up kissing, and it was over!!!!!!! After that night we started spending days together. Never intimate, just getting to know each other. I couldn't get enough of him. I invited him up to the cabin for the weekend, that is when I feel in love. He never tried to sleep with me, we just spent hours and hours talking and laughing. That is what true love is. When you can't get enough of someone, you don't have moments where you are searching for something to say, which I never have felt before.

Every man I have ever been with something has been missing. I always put a mans career first, what they had, how they would be able to care for me, and that is not what love is about. Jordan and I continued to date, and on February 14th I flew to San Fransisco for a job fair. I have always wanted to teach overseas, I wasn't going to let love hold me back. I took the job in China, not even thinking about leaving this new man that I adored.

I left for China of July 31st, 2009. Jordan, hesitantly took me to the airport. We didn't talk about our future, what was going to become of it, I just left. In my heart I didn't know what was going to happen. If I would leave and we slowly just faded, or if we would still talk. Now, I come home in 21 days and we have never been closer. We spend hours and hours on Skype. Last night was Friday night, we talked for over 4 hours. We laugh, tell stories. He even loves telling me a goodnight story before bed. This is true love. Jordan is one man that makes me want to be a better person. He is 10 years younger, which at first scared me, but now it is the best part of him. He doesn't have any expectations of how I should be, instead he loves me even during my faults. He looks at life differently then most. He never ever has something to negative to say about anyone or any situation. During my hard times in China when I am have issues adjusting or missing him, he makes me feel better. If I am talking negatively about something, he always makes me feel better about the situation. We rarely fight, if we do we always come out strong and discuss how we could avoid having the same issue again in the future. He has a love for God that continues to astonish me. I would have never thought this in the past. When I am down he prays with me. He actually will say the prayer at my family dinner when he is not even part of it yet.

With all this said, I pray that everyone has the time to find true love in their life. True love is when they love you without make up on, they love you when you are sick, they love you when you are at your worst. True love is when they are your best friend and you do not need anyone else to make you happy. I have finally realized why people do want to get married. For years I have questioned why people get married when the divorce rate is over 50%. Sometimes I stop and just thank GOD for letting me find this at 31. For letting me spend my last 4 years dating the wrong people. I also believe that it is very important that you are happy with yourself in order to have a successful relationship. I am very glad that I have experienced some really bad relationships, it makes me more appreciative of what is it to have a good relationship. I know so many miserable married people, it makes me sad:(

I made a promise to myself, God and Jordan that I will never stop loving him. I will always treat him with respect, never belittle, and never be a women that tries to control their man. I can't stand it when a man or a women treats their loved one with disrespect, or says negative things to them. I am a child of divorce and I realize how hard divorce is on children. I honestly know that is why I have had trouble letting a man in to get to know the real me. I really think that is why in the past I used to say I only like the 'honeymoon phase' of relationships. I have had a fear of what happens when a man stops loving you, all because my parents divorced at 12 and it was adjust to having divorced parents.

I am SO thankful that I had the privilege of finding Jordan. I love it even more that my brothers love him. He is going to make a great new part of our family! He continues to amaze me daily with how he thinks and how he lives his life. We are going to make a great couple and have a wonderful family someday.

I have heard for years that when you he is the one you will just know, it is true. To all my friends out there that are still searching, stop. You will find it one day, and you will just KNOW. True love is something to fight for, to never ever give up on. Don't rush it, don't try and make it happen, don't ever have someone in your life that doesn't make you feel special ever single day you are with them.

As you can tell I am crazy about him... I miss him so much it hurts. Spending 4 months and 19 days away from the person you love isn't easy, but we made it, not only made it but are stronger then ever. Only 21 days left!!! I know God had this all planned. With me leaving I have had time to get to know myself in ways I have never thought. I can't wait to have him with me on this journey.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
—I Corinthians 13:4-8a